This past January, my dad’s health went downhill.
On our annual father/daughter trip to Aruba, we stepped off the plane into the warm tropical air, and he asked me to take him to the hospital. He had fluid on the lung that had started ‘squeezing’ his heart and making breathing difficult. Instead of sipping margaritas on Aruba’s white sand beaches that week, I drove back and forth to the Dr. Horatio E. Oduber Hospital delivering reduced salt meals from his favorite restaurants and telling really bad jokes to keep the atmosphere light while his body shed kilos of accumulated fluid.
While dad (and I) recovered from that experience, his 83-year-old body, which had battled diabetes for 30 years, did not.
In the months that followed, he went through a series of ups and downs with his health. Things would get grim, and then he would bounce back—so much so, that my siblings and I nicknamed him “Morris the Cat”—referring to the 80s mascot for 9Lives cat food. Dad certainly seemed to be burning through his nine lives!
He passed on July 11th of this year.
Losing a parent is hard enough, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how it intensified the family dynamics between my siblings and me.
I come from a blended family with two older brothers and two younger stepsisters, and to be honest, we’ve never been The Brady Bunch. My parents divorced long before my mother passed, just after my 21st birthday, and my father’s second wife passed in 2011. My father’s care was up to the five of us; he was the only parent we had left.
I share this story not for pity or condolences, but to open dialogue about something that all families face at one time or another—particularly families of wealth. A death in the family—particularly a patriarch or matriarch—can shift the power and roles and responsibilities among those that are living. It can bring things to the surface (good, bad and ugly), and can temporarily cause more rifts than connectedness.
In the midst of a loved one dying, there are many decisions to be made. There’s paperwork and Power of Attorneys and property. There’s money. There’s final wishes and figuring out what do with all the “stuff.” In my experience, the stress of it all sometimes divided us more than it brought us together. We all wanted the best for our dad, and we each had strong opinions on what “the best” meant to us.
Looking back now, I see we had the benefit of “Morris” living out his nine lives. We had an opportunity to work through some of our less-helpful dynamics and establish methods of decision-making that focused on our dad’s health versus our own personal agendas (well, most of the time!).
If only we had seen it as an opportunity at the time, I believe it would have been an easier experience on all of us.
Read my next post to learn some tips for navigating family dynamics in the wake of a loved one dying. If you have been through this experience, drop me a line using the comments below or email me at Suzanne@suzannehammer.com.
Suzanne,
In your article you said you do not want condolences, but merely to share your story. Your story touched my heart and I feel compelled to send my condolences.
I didn’t know your dad passed in July otherwise I would have sent a note earlier.
Like you I experienced the same type of family dynamics with my mother’s passing. Although she passed away 14 years-ago some of the hurt continues; every time I pass by her house.
Thanks for sharing your story.
A fellow Rotarian always, even though we are 1,200 miles apart.
Anna
Anna,
Thanks for your kind words – much appreciated. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother – I know how important she was to you based on some of the stories you’ve told!
This topic has resonated with many as we all have parents…and many of us are actively involved with their lives both while they are living and once they are gone. I have heard many stories of the passing of a parent causing old wounds between siblings to resurface and the challenges, and associated expenses, of settling a parents’ estate regardless of the number of ‘zero’s’.
Regards in Rotary,
Suzanne
Thank you for sharing your courageous story, Suzanne. This is one that can resonate with any one of us who has cared for or lost a parent.
My own father passed in 2013, and although his estate was small, there was still so many odds and ends and paperwork and “stuff,” as you said. He didn’t exactly plan well for his death, and even more than two years later, the estate is still not 100% settled.
My sister, at the time, had her own family issues, and wasn’t able to participate in any part of my dad’s decline and passing and the aftermath. As a result, it was a lonely experience for me, and I felt overburdened and stressed and some guilt about it all. And because I was in charge of the distribution of dollars, it created unspoken tension between us. My sister needed the money to pay her bills, and felt I was taking too long to figure it out; I was frustrated by the added pressure when I was the one “taking care of everything!” and so on and so forth.
I can only imagine the potential tension and shifts in power that occur in families of wealth where the stakes are so much higher!
Luckily my sister and I emerged just fine from the situation – minus a dad. But it was not easy.
Thanks for opening up this dialogue and offering ideas to support others going forward. I look forward to your next post.
Elaine,
Thanks for sharing your story and I am so sorry about your dad’s passing. The stress of being the executor of an estate is quite high – many are suddenly immersed into a steep learning curve while caring for an aging parent and/or grieving their loss. Kudos to you and your sister for emerging from your dad’s passing and not permitting it to permanently derail your relationship.
Kind regards, Suzanne